


Never Name Your Glasses After Texas

by pupeez4eva



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, Humor, Hungary ships it, M/M, Misunderstandings, and it's all Japan's fault, avoid phone conversations when you have bad reception at ALL COSTS, everyone gets the wrong idea about America and England
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10952376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: Japan's eyes widened. "America-san...are you saying...you lost your virginity to...England!" - A slight misunderstanding gives everyone the wrong idea.





	Never Name Your Glasses After Texas

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this a while ago (it's posted on my fanfiction.net account) and decided to upload it here too.

Never name your glasses after Texas.

Also, never speak to someone who is in an area with faulty connection. Of course, America hadn't been aware of this at the time; if he had been it might have saved many people a lot of trouble.

Of course, it was America...so it probably wouldn't have made a difference.

"So, England fixed my glasses," America said into his cellphone, as he walked down the street.

"What?" the voice on the other line belonged to Japan.

"England fixed my glasses," America repeated. "They broke."

"America-san, I can't here you," Japan said. "My line...it is breaking up..."

"You can't hear me?" America frowned. "I said England fixed my glasses!"

"America-san, I can't -"

"England fixed Texas!"

There was an awkward pause; America frowned at the phone in his hand.

"Japan?" he called out, into the receiver. "You still there, buddy?"

"...What did you say, America-san?" Japan's voice was filled with shock. America frowned, wondering why the hell Japan was so shocked by his comment.

"England fixed Texas" he repeated. "Really well, actually. They're even better than before - they haven't felt this good in years!"

There was no reply.

"I guess he's really good at fixing stuff..."

Japan let out a gasp of shock.

"Dude." America's brow furrowed. "What's wrong with you, you're acting all weird."

"America-san..." Japan's voice was still filled with shock. "Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

"That England fixed Texas?" America frowned. "Yeah..."

Japan gasped again.

"It was my first time breaking them" America added. He pulled away his phone, tapping it against his leg as he wondered about Japan's odd reaction. Maybe the reason Japan was reacting this way was because he was (for some reason) surprised that America had broken his glasses...

Noise coming from the phone alerted him to the fact that Japan had once again started talking. He held the phone up to his ear, in time to hear Japan's next words.

"Did you use...?" Japan finished the sentence with a word too low to be heard. America's brow furrowed.

"What?" he asked. "Dude, I can't hear you. Speak up."

Japan repeated the word; America thought he could hear "contraption" or something along those lines - Japan was still speaking too softly for him to hear.

"Contraption?" he frowned. "...No?"

Japan let out a noise of concern. "America-san, you must!"

"...Huh?" America blinked in confusion. "I must what? What contraption?"

"Did you...enjoy it?"

"What?!" America shook his head in disbelief. "Dude, you are making no sense! What am I supposed to be enjoying?!"

"Sorry, America-san" Japan apologized, after a brief pause. "I should not be digging into personal issues."

"Personal... _what_ are you talking about?!"

"I will say goodbye now."

"Japan!" America shook the phone in slight frustration. "Dude, I'm completely blank here! What's going on?!"

The call had ended.

...

The conversation had gone very differently for Japan.

The connection on his cellphone was terrible; as America spoke, Japan struggled to make sense of what his friend was saying.

"...Fixed...glasses...broke..."

"America-san, I can't hear you" Japan sighed. "My line...it is breaking up..."

"You...hear...England...fixed..."

Japan's brow furrowed. "America-san, I can't -"

"England...sex..."

Japan's eyes widened in shock. There was a long pause; Japan stood still, the phone still in his hands, wondering if he had heard correctly.

"Japan...still there...?"

"...What did you say, America-san?" Japan's voice shook slightly.

"England...sex," was the response he heard. "Really well...better...haven't felt this good in years!"

Japan swallowed, his eyes widening.

"I guess...really good..."

Japan let out a gasp of shock.

"What's wrong...acting weird..."

"America-san," Japan choked. "Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

"England...sex...yeah..."

Japan gasped, trying to wrap his head around it. America-san...and _England._ Those two were...together? A couple?

"First time..." Japan's eyes widened at America's words.

"America-san...are you saying...you lost your virginity to...England?"

There was no response; Japan frowned slightly, as a thought suddenly occurred to him. Before he could stop himself, he'd blurted it out.

"Did you use contraception?"

He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.

"What...?"

"Contraception" Japan repeated, his cheeks reddening.

"...No..."

Japan frowned at that; it was none of his business, but...America was his friend. Japan looked out for his friends...he didn't like the thought of America endangering his health...

"America-san, you must!" he urged.

"...Huh...?"

Curiosity got the better of Japan with his next words. "Did you...enjoy it?"

"What...enjoy..."

"Sorry, America-san," Japan said, hurriedly, regretting ever asking the question. "I should not be digging into personal issues."

"Personal...talking..."

"I will say goodbye now." Japan hurriedly hung up the phone and stuffed it back into his pocket; his cheeks were red.

He walked off hurriedly, trying to forget the conversation.

...

Somehow Italy ended up finding out (Japan really wasn't good at keeping secrets).

"America!" he cried. The nations were all currently gathered for the next world conference, and Italy had been walking down the corridor of the UN building, when he had caught sight of America. He hurried over to where the other nation was standing.

"Hey Italy!" America greeted, beaming broadly. "How are you?"

"I am very good!" Italy nodded his head, enthusiastically. "Congratulations!"

America frowned. "Uh...on what?"

"Japan told me what happened" Italy responded, nodding his head. "I am very glad for you!"

America stared at him, blankly. He tried to think about what Japan could have told Italy, that would have the other nation congratulating him...the only thing he had conversed with the other nation about lately had been about his glasses.

"Was England very good?"

Oh...so it must have been about his glasses.

"Yeah" America nodded his head. "He is. Feels better than ever." He tapped the side of his glasses and smiled.

Italy let out a squeal of excitement. "Oh, you are so lucky!" he gasped. "If only Germany would do that to me!"

"Huh?" America frowned. "But...you don't have glasses..."

Ignoring this, Italy continued. "Germany...I bet he would be very good! I mean..." he blushed slightly. "It would be...nice...ve?"

"Well...I guess Germany does have tons of great engineers..." America thought for a moment. "You know...I actually considered asking him before I decided that England might be a better person to call over...more familiar..."

Italy's eyes widened.

"I mean, I figured Germany was great at fixing things, and...uh..." he frowned, noticing Italy's pale face. "Are you...alright?"

"You...wanted Germany...?" his voice shook slightly. "But...no..."

America frowned. "Uh, Italy, it's okay" he said. "It's just glasses..."

"Germany is mine!"

America took a step back, alarmed by the violent response from the normally cheerful nation.

"Calm down!" he said. "Why are you so angry? What, is Germany your personal engineer, or something?"

Italy's cheeks went red. "No..." he mumbled, calming slightly. "I just...I really want Germany to love me!"

"...What does that have to do with fixing my glasses?"

Italy had already hurried off down the corridor, long before he could hear this last sentence.

...

France frowned, observing Italy's distressed expression.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "You look as if you are going to cry."

"Germany doesn't love me!" Italy bawled. "America's going to take him from me!"

"...What?"

"What did he say?" Prussia waltzed into the room and walked over to where Italy and France were standing. "What did you say about America trying to take West from you?"

"America said he wanted to have sex with Germany!"

Prussia's jaw dropped open; France let out a gasp of shock.

"He...said that?" Prussia looked like he didn't know whether to be gleeful or horrified. Italy nodded his head, looking on the brink of tears.

"Yes!" he wailed. "He said he wanted Germany...but then decided that England would be more familiar!"

Prussia's eyes widened further and he let out a bark of laughter; France continued to stare.

"Are you saying that Amerique...and Angleterre...had..." he swallowed slightly. _"Sex?"_

Italy nodded.

"My god!" France's eyes widened in shock. "I thought they would never see the light!"

"I can't believe it!" Prussia laughed. "England and America? They had _sex?!_ Damn, this is going to be fun to spread around!"

"But what about Germany?" Italy looked distressed.

"Don't worry about it!" Prussia patted Italy on the shoulder. "West loves you, I know he does. Don't worry about America - you just said he was with England, didn't you?"

"Well..." Italy smiled slightly. "He did say that England was really good..."

Prussia let out another laugh; France shook his head, looking slightly disbelieving.

"I don't believe it" he said. "England... _non,_ he cannot excel in that area. Not at all."

"Like, what area?" the three nations turned around, to see Poland standing behind them. "What are you guys like, talking about?"

"Nothing," Prussia snapped, glaring at him. "Go away, you unawesome being."

"America had sex with England," France told him.

Poland's eyes widened. "Like, no way!" he gasped. "They...like, totally, _did it?"_

"That's what he said, isn't it?" Prussia glared at him. Glancing away, he added in a more gleeful tone; "This is going to be so much fun to spread around!"

Italy frowned. "I don't know..." he murmured. "I mean...maybe we shouldn't tell anyone...they might not like it very much..."

_"LIET LIKE, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT - AMERICA AND ENGLAND LIKE, TOTALLY DID IT!"_

"Well...there goes 'not telling anyone,'" France observed.

Prussia snorted. "I wouldn't have listened anyway." Glaring at Poland, he added; "You ruined all my fun though. Completely unawesome."

"They did _what?!"_ Hungary's eyes twinkled, gleefully. "Oh! That...that's just too cute!"

"No it isn't." Austria looked disgusted. "We didn't need to hear that!"

Lithuania (whom Poland's statement had been directed to) looked embarrassed.

"Poland..." he muttered. "You shouldn't yell these things out..."

"Top or bottom?!" Hungary demanded. "I need to know! Who was top and who was bottom -"

"Hungary!" Austria snapped. "Stop talking this way, it's _disgusting!"_

"America is with England, aru?" China frowned. "I just hope this doesn't distract him from paying off his debts, aru."

Beside him, Japan looked horrified.

"I shouldn't have told anyone," he moaned, quietly.

"Oh Romano, isn't love in the air?!" Spain gushed. "We must get together next...keep the love flowing -"

"Shut up, bastard," Romano snapped.

"America-san isn't good to be happy..." Japan shook his head, looking frustrated. "I should not have said anything..."

"Their relationship originated in Korea!" Korea declared.

"...I think England would have been on top" Hungary mused. "I mean...he _is_ older and more experienced..."

"Hungary!" Austria snapped.

"Would you all stop talking about this?!" Switzerland growled. "My little sister is in the room! She should not be hearing these things - she is too young!"

"Whatever you think is best, Big Brother" Liechtenstein smiled at him.

"I think it's nice to have another couple around here" Finland interjected, smiling slightly at Sweden.

"We'll have another one soon!" Spain smiled dreamily at Romano; Romano punched him.

"I do hope Amerique was on top," France sighed. "Perhaps he learnt something from Big Brother France after all, _oui?"_

"Liechtenstein, maybe you should wait outside until this conversation is over," Switzerland said, scowling at the room in general.

"Alright then, big brother," Liechtenstein replied. She headed towards the doorway and reached for the door handle; as she did the door suddenly swung open, and England and America walked into the room.

Everyone froze.

Liechtenstein let out a squeak of fear.

"What do I do?!" she cried, gazing at Switzerland in desperation. "They are blocking off the doorway, Big Brother!"

"...What?" England stared at her. "What on earth are you on about?"

Switzerland stood up, looking enraged. "Step away from her, you fiends!" he growled.

England and America stared at him, blankly.

"Dude..." America said. "What are you on about - dude, what the hell?!" his eyes widened in shock, as Switzerland pulled out a familiar object from his pocket, and pointed it at them. "Are you pointing a _gun_ at us?!"

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!" England cried.

"Switzerland!" France looked alarmed. "Put that gun down - what are you doing? What they do in their private time has nothing to do with you!" In a lower voice he added; "I on the other hand..."

"Our private time?" America looked bewildered. "What...did we do something wrong?"

"Of course _I_ did nothing wrong" England scowled at him. "It was probably you."

"England!" Hungary sounded disapproving. "Don't be so cruel - he may have made some mistakes but that is only to be expected. It was his first time!"

"...What?" England stared at her, blankly.

"America-san, I am sorry" Japan apologized, looking distressed. "I should not have told Italy about our conversation!"

"Our conversation?" America frowned. "You mean, about my glasses? Why does everyone think its such a big deal? I mean -"

"No," Japan cut him off. He looked embarrassed. "I mean...about you and England. About the two of you...having..." he coughed, awkwardly. "...Sex..."

_"WHAT?!"_

Everyone turned to stare at England; the brit looked horrified.

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?!" he demanded. He whirled around to face America. "What bloody lies have you been spreading?!"

"Nothing!" America protested. "I never said anything like that!"

Italy shook his head, frowning. "You said it to me too," he told America. "Outside...you said that England was really good."

England looked slightly pleased at this; then, remembering what was going on, he let out another enraged howl.

"...And then you said you wanted Germany too!"

_"WHAT?!"_

This time it was Germany who screamed.

"I was talking about my glasses!" America shot back. "I broke them, and England fixed them for me - I never said _anything_ about _that!"_

"Are you sure?" France frowned slightly. "You can be honest with us..."

"You git, he said nothing happened!" England snapped. "It was all a misunderstanding!"

"...Aw." Prussia's shoulders slumped. "There goes some awesome conversation."

"I knew they weren't really together," Canada declared.

No one heard him.

"So...you did not lose your virginity to England?"

America glared at Italy. "No!" he snapped. "I didn't." He whirled around to face Japan.

"Japan, what the hell, dude?!" he cried. "How did you get "I had sex with England!" out of our conversation?!"

Japan, now the focus of the entire room, looked embarrassed.

"The connection was terrible" he mumbled. "I suppose I may have...misheard you..."

Groans erupted around the room.

"Japan, you bloody idiot!" England grumbled.

America shook his head. "What the hell did I say that you misunderstood for sex..." a moment later his eyes lit up in realization. "Texas!"

"What?" Japan looked at him in confusion.

 _"Texas!"_ America repeated. "My glasses" he tapped them. "It's what I call them - _that's_ what I was talking about!"

"...Oh."

Another string of groans traveled around the room.

"Could you stop pointing that gun at us now?" England demanded, frowning at Switzerland. Switzerland lowered the weapon and sat back down, looking disappointed.

"America, you bloody git," England muttered.

"Hey!" America protested. "It wasn't even my fault!"

 _"You_ were the one who named you glasses 'Texas'!" England snapped. "You had forty-nine other perfectly lovely States to choose from, none of which partially rhymed with 'sex'!"

"...I liked Texas" America muttered. "Although, if it makes you feel better, I might consider a name change."

"Can we start the meeting now?" Germany demanded. He still looked embarrassed by Italy's previous comment.

"I really wanted to know..." Hungary sighed. Austria frowned at her.

"Romano!" Spain whirled around and smiled at the Italian. "We should not let this get in the way of our love! There is still hope -"

A moment later his face had made acquaintance with the table.

The meeting went on after that, relatively normal (well, as normal as a world meeting could be).

"It's funny how these things happen, huh?" America chuckled, as he and England headed out the door. "I mean, what a laugh - like I'd ever go for you!"

"Oh shut up, you git," England grumbled. "Like I'd ever _consider_ sleeping with you."

"Never going to happen" America snorted.

"Preposterous," England agreed.

"Never in a million years."

"A million years? Try infinity."

"And beyond!"

"Oh shut up, America."

"Get a room, idiots," Cuba grumbled, walking past. America and England glared after him.

"Shut up!" England yelled. "Didn't you hear any of what just happened?! It was all a mistake - nothing happened between us!"

There was no response.

England scowled at America. "I blame you."

"I knew you guys weren't a couple!" Canada declared, walking up to them, and smiling at them, supportively.

"Did you hear something?" England frowned. America shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

"Nah," he replied. England shrugged and walked out the door. America followed soon after.

"...I wonder if I'd get any attention if I told people that _I_ was sleeping with England..." Canada muttered, to the empty room.

 


End file.
